At some point we’ve all been stuck in it – the endless cycle of breaking up, building up and getting back together with the same person. They’re not really together but they’re not together either. It can take weeks, months or years. But at some point or another it ends. Here are a few tell-tale signs that your relationship is finally over.
1. The idea of being alone is no longer scary.
Reciprocal relationships also provide an ironic safety net – every time you get sick of being single, you can go back to the same person and be sure they’ll take you back. It’s hard to break this cycle if you’re not comfortable being alone, which may be for a long time. You know that things are changing in your relationship and that once again the idea of being alone doesn’t bother you as much as it used to – in many ways it seems desirable.
2. Your future dreams are no longer involved.
Even when the two of you were separated, you always thought about the future with them. After all, they were your people “one day” – your lobster. You know things are starting to change when their image sneaks out of your future. If you look five or ten years ahead, you only see yourself – your success in work or life and maybe your partner. But that partner is nameless and faceless – he’s not your partner and you don’t want him to be. For now, you’re fine with them as a question mark.
3. You are no longer angry about past mistakes.
There are no points to resolve or loose ends to tie up. You’re not angry with your ex for the ways they hurt you, and you’re not waiting for them to apologize for anything. You have both made many mistakes and it is all water under the bridge. You cannot change the past to move forward.
4. You don’t fall into past habits around them.
You don’t immediately assume the role of girlfriend around them, and you don’t expect them to act like your SO. Be casual and polite – no accusations, deep conversations and no over-the-top sexual propositions. You’ve both grown a little and changed a lot and getting your lives together doesn’t feel as easy or natural as it used to. It feels painful and unnecessary.
5. You don’t match new love interests with your ex.
Your ex is no longer the yardstick you use to measure all potential love interests. It’s not a game of “He can give me x, y and z and you can’t, goodbye.” Your ex is out of the picture. If a new person wants to give ua, b and c, that’s fine. Change is good. And be open to what potential new partners have to offer.
6. You have stopped putting yourself in situations that involve reliving things.
You know what? Getting drunk at that party you know your ex will be at doesn’t seem like such a great idea anymore. You don’t get over the we-or-we-won’t-we-go excitement. It won’t. That’s the decision you’ve made and it’s the one you’ll plan your action around.
7. Your days of emotional masochism are over.
The endless DRAMA of breaking up and getting back together doesn’t like it anymore. You don’t want to relive it with brunch with your girlfriends for the eight hundredth time. You just want something stable and real. The rush of grooming sex is no longer worth it.
8. You can look at your relationship honestly.
It wasn’t entirely their fault that things didn’t happen. And again it wasn’t entirely your fault. You were just two well-intentioned people whose differences outweighed your similarities. It wouldn’t last forever and that’s okay. Some things don’t.
9. You know what you want and deserve – and it’s very different from what your ex-partner provided.
You don’t get caught up in the nagging idea that you’ll never get better. You don’t want to run back into the arms of the last person who loved you because you’re afraid there is no one else. You know what you want. He knows what is right for you. And just because you don’t have anyone else lined up right now doesn’t mean it won’t happen one day. You are okay with holding on to someone who can give you what you need in a relationship and you know that person is not for you.
10. You have given up hope that they will change.
The relationship then exists and is kept alive almost entirely by false hope – the hope that the other person will change, that the situation will change and that everything will be different than before. It’s a perpetual one-foot-in-the-door disease that only ends when you realize that one foot will always be out. Your ex will never be who you wish them to be. You will never be who they wish you were. And that’s fine. Make peace with all that you both are.
11. He slept and rested.
You no longer find yourself analyzing what went wrong or what you could have done differently or why you both didn’t succeed. You just didn’t. Moving on is sad and sometimes difficult but you don’t want to drown the questions of your past in the promise of your future. You have bigger, better things to aspire to and would like to leave the past behind where it belongs.
12. You can imagine a future with someone else.
Maybe not someone else, but someone else for a while. You understand that one day you will fall in love with someone completely new and it will be completely different, in a completely different way than it was with your ex. And that’s fine. You don’t want the relationship you had. You want the commitment of someone who is not a constant battle to work with him. Someone you probably don’t know yet. But someone you can live with and be good.
