One of the most popular questions I get from survivors of narcissistic abuse is, “But what if I am him are you paying attention? How would I know?” It is possible that, if you can think about this question, it is possible this is not the case a narcissist. Narcissists, after all, lack empathy and can’t even manage their abusive behavior most of the time unless it helps them in some way. And even those who know themselves have no problem with their narcissism; they see it as a sign of their superiority, whereas you they clearly see it as a source of concern.
However, let’s take this one step further and explore why this question is so powerful – and what indeed it may continue if you ask it.
Effects of speculation and trauma.
This is a common question among survivors because narcissists have a way of projecting their negative traits onto their victims during the cycle of abuse, accusing them of having the same motives and behaviors as themselves. It’s easy for a bad person to point the finger at the person who abuses them and say, “You are the abuser, not me!” It is a quick way to evade accountability and devalues the victim, thus killing two birds with one stone. Victims of any form of emotional abuse are programmed to self-harm and blame themselves for the abuse. When they are mistreated and later abandoned, this suspicion of common illness still resonates in the mind of the victim long after the relationship has ended. what if see are they the bums? Unfortunately, they mistake their doubt for truth and are quick to believe that maybe they were the problem all along, when in reality, the blame for the abuse should rest with the abuser.
We translate our human flaws into reasons for abuse.
It is very easy for non-narcissistic people to blame the other person’s actions on themselves because we are all human and fallible. While the narcissist refuses to go along with his abuse, we as victims tend to look inward. We look for some fault and therefore look for something we may have done to provoke the abuse or cause it. This is especially true for those of us with an internal locus of control – what psychologists call the tendency to attribute external events to us. We think we have more control over other people’s behavior than we really do. We begin to focus more on our mistakes and begin to wonder if we were there this is a lot or more of that. Stop right there. You are already enough and always have been. Being flawed does not give anyone the right to abuse you.
We reacted in some way to the abuse, so we measure our reaction to the abuse to the actions of the abuser.
As human beings, we are bound to react in ways that may be unethical, especially if we have been abused for a long time. When we suffer for so long, it becomes difficult. When victims consider their responses to chronic abuse, it is important to remember that there is no such thing as a “perfect victim.” Any sane person can end up reacting in an inappropriate way to the chronic violence and toxic stress exerted by a pathological person. The fact that you even feel guilty or ashamed for reacting to someone who treats you badly? This is a testament to your empathy, a quality that narcissists lack. The key is not to engage in regret, but to use that energy to get out of the relationship rather than focusing on how you reacted to abuse in the past.
Some people actually have what are called “narcissistic fleas,” a residual effect of the abuse they received.
This is especially true for survivors of childhood abuse by narcissistic parents. You may find that you have a trait or two that you need to work on overcoming as a result of growing up with this type of toxic influence. Children of narcissists may feel criticized or overpowered by their experiences. Or, survivors of narcissistic partners may find themselves acting like the narcissistic partner as a defense mechanism. You may be suffering from what therapists call “Narcissistic Victim Syndrome.”
While it is important to do the inner work necessary to heal, just remember that these “fleas” are not a reflection of your character. They are not symptoms of a full-blown personality disorder with rigid behavior patterns. They are temporary and can be dealt with.
If you find yourself questioning whether you are a narrator, ask yourself the following:
Do I have empathy for others? Do I consider the feelings of others? Do I make an effort to change my behavior if I think it is dangerous in any way? Am I able to look at myself and my behavior honestly? It is possible that, if you said yes to these questions, your concern about being a narcissist is due more to all the reasons mentioned above than to having a real character disorder. That being said, always seek the support of a mental health professional for a formal diagnosis or treatment to help with trauma.
Like anyone who has experienced trauma, you are affected. However the journey to recovery means that we get to resolve this process in a healthy way and actually admit our weaknesses and weaknesses. Unlike malignant narcissists at the higher end of the spectrum, victims of narcissistic abuse are willing to come forward – and that, perhaps, makes the biggest difference of all.
