As a professional researcher of narcissism and psychopathy, I have observed that there are six general stages of trauma survivors of narcissists often go through before they are sufficiently “caught” in the toxic relationship cycle. The trauma bond is an unbreakable bond that builds with abusers through power imbalances, periodic reinforcements such as hot and cold behavior, and the presence of danger and betrayal. Unlike normal, healthy relationships, narcissistic manipulators distort the perception of their victims, and betrayal in these types of toxic relationships actually deepens the bond victims have with their abusers as a means of survival. Here are six categories of trauma arrests you may have experienced:
Doing it right: The love bombing and soulmate effect is addictive.
At the beginning of a relationship with a narcissist, you feel completely in love with them. They imitate your interests, hobbies, goals, habits, and personality traits to make you believe that you are their “soulmate”. They flatter you and give you a lot of compliments. They may engage in romantic gestures, buy you gifts, take you on a luxury vacation, or talk about the promise of a shared future ahead of time. This can be a very powerful manipulation tool to use on someone who wants that kind of love and attention or who has a void in their life that they are unconsciously trying to fill (such as a recent trauma). Many survivors of this early stage of abusive relationships realize that narcissists push the relationship milestone forward by moving in quickly, getting engaged, getting married, and having children. Even those who followed the slow pace, received excessive communication and communication from the narcissist that created a reliance on their approval and constant praise. Survivors of this stage may or may not notice a wrong red flag or two, but they are more likely to forgive them because the mask the narcissist displays is convincing and compelling – and their “love” is all-consuming.
Cognitive Dissonance: Nitpicking, micro-betrayals, and toxic love triangles followed by gaslighting create suspense.
Once the honeymoon phase of the relationship has forced the survivor to invest in the narcissist, the narcissist will begin to “test” their victims with careless comments and nitpicking that eventually escalates. They will engage in petty betrayals with obvious denials like taking a day to respond to a text when they could have responded right away, or making harsh comments where they would normally praise you. This will reinforce the sense of dissonance in the survivor who is now dealing with the emotional problem of finding cracks in the narcissist’s false mask. During this stage, the narcissist will start creating love triangles and cause jealousy in you by mentioning their potential love interests. They will then make you think that you didn’t understand them or that they didn’t do or say something that they really did. They will watch your reaction and see if you are willing to drop these incidents as they increase, pushing your buttons with comments or actions that become cruel and devalue. They can start these tests and small betrayals from the first few days but in a subtle little way that escapes your notice. At this stage of binding trauma, such nitpicking and the induction of jealousy become more apparent. You may feel self-doubt and uncertainty as you begin to walk on eggshells, wondering if you’ve made a mistake and how to get back to the “honeymoon” phase of the relationship. Unknowingly, the narcissist follows this phase with all their victims and there is not much you can do to stop them from tearing you down.
Periodic reinforcement: Small acts of kindness and the ave-sweet cycle create a biochemical addiction to gain favor from the narcissist.
As you become more submissive and submissive to the narcissist’s criticism or begin to fight back, the narcissist will deepen the pattern of periodic reinforcements that include bombardment periods and “small acts of kindness” to get psychologically and biochemically addicted to the cycle of abuse. They may give you a seemingly sincere apology after a difficult argument they instigate or become suddenly affectionate towards you after they’ve pissed you off and made a mess and done crazy things. These “small acts of kindness” add up and you have a heightened sense of gratitude for any good deeds the caregiver does for you because they become more and more rare. As if the captor might “reward” the prisoner with food or the absence of corporal punishment, he is taught that he should be “grateful” for being able to live at all – and gratitude serves as a means of survival, alerting you to the resources that keep you alive. This is similar to how a victim in an abusive relationship finds ways to cope with their partner’s cruelty by remembering good times or experiencing “tort amnesia,” memory gaps that can cause you to block out abusive events in order to focus on survival. Dopamine is a key player in creating this type of addiction as it flows easily in the mind when “rewards” are unexpected and unplanned – you have no way of knowing when the narcissist will be kind or cruel next, but you intensify your efforts to please them and bend over backwards to meet their needs.
Depreciation: Overcriticism and isolation combined with hurtful and defensive ways reinforces the trauma bond.
This is the phase of trauma responsibility that can be especially difficult for survivors to endure. Devaluation begins and becomes the most dominant pattern of relationships – acts of bombardment and healthy love and attention are rare as excessive criticism, stonewalling, constant comparisons, or the silent treatment are the most prominent “communication” methods used by narcissists. The narcissist alienates you from friends and family (or mocks their positive feedback and spreads false rumors to make you feel alienated) and make you believe it. see they are the only ones to be trusted. “No one else” understands your “special” relationship and everyone else doesn’t “understand” the narrator’s behavior – at least, that’s what they’ll try to train you to believe. Because of relationship trauma and an inappropriate sense of self-criticism, you may withdraw from your normal activities and social life as isolation becomes the norm. During this stage, narcissists use their absence to make you crave their validation and use their presence to comfort you after self-reported abuse. For example, they may call you names, just to calm you down when you cry; This puts you in search of their comfort after their transgressions. These ways of hurting and redeeming seem unpleasant to outsiders, but when you are inside a toxic relationship cycle, it is difficult to get out of it because you are so dependent on the abuser and his ideas.
Erosion of ownership: Distortion and association with the abuser make you lose your sense of self.
The narcissist’s manipulation tactics are designed to mislead you and ensure that you lose your sense of self and self-esteem. They present you with a false image of your identity that you begin to internalize. Where once you were positive, happy, talented, and happy, now you are convinced by the narcissist that you are negative, bitter, and empty through the funhouse mirror of distortion they put in front of you. These are the lies, false accusations, and assumptions they feed you so that you can no longer fight against their abuse and they can control you and your mind. You are “captured” by the abuser’s identity and beliefs while talking about your personal characteristics. You may react in ways that are outside of your character to try to regain a sense of control in the relationship – such as staying angry with the attacker when he constantly attacks you, snooping on his phone or connecting to social media when he keeps throwing out betrayal plans, or comparing yourself to others that you would not have been jealous of before you were forced to dream. This is like the “reversion” of the love bombing stage – where before the attacker matches you, now you are forced to match more. see or anyone see you want to be in order to survive the trauma of a relationship. Before, your energy was full of life and vibrant while the striker relied on you for fuel; now your whole mind is scattered and you depend on them for emotional sustenance while they seem energetic, as they are “well fed” by your energy. Instead of being fed, they give you more punishment.
Dangerous adaptations and learning disabilities: Continued commitment and post-traumatic symptoms keep you “stuck” in the relationship, protecting or protecting the abuser and rationalizing his behavior, and you return to your abuser.
This is often the last stage of trauma closure before steps towards healing are made. At this stage, there have been significant sacrifices of your time, energy, work, and resources that you have made in the relationship that can be difficult to let go of. This investment can be difficult for anyone in the grip of trauma, but having children or sharing finances with a narcissist presents additional obstacles. The “delusion of sunk costs” makes you believe that all the damage and trauma in the relationship represents the fact that this relationship should continue because you unconsciously feel the need to justify your investment. You begin to self-destruct and destroy yourself because you begin to believe the lies the abuser has fed you about your worth and likability. You may protect or shield the abuser from loved ones who express concern for your well-being. You may fear retaliation due to threats made by the informant or any information the informant may use against you. You may go back to the narcissist a few times even before you leave for good. Since trauma has burdened you with symptoms such as fatigue, brain fog, inattention, irritability, anxiety, depression, and chronic fatigue, it feels easier to stay in a relationship to try to make it work than to take the seemingly impossible steps to leave. Your battle has learned hopelessness and helplessness. Your patterns of behavior and existence revolve around the narcissist and how to approach relationships rather than breaking ties. Often the first step to healing is recognizing and identifying these bonds of trauma so that you understand that your appearance as a narcissist has little to do with the validity of the relationship. Rather, this is a relationship based on trauma and abuse. You deserve to make a living and free yourself.
