Children of wealthy parents may have lasting effects in adulthood that affect their self-esteem, mental health, vulnerability to re-victimization, and emotional regulation. As a professional researcher of narcissism, I have spoken not only to thousands of people involved in romantic relationships with narcissistic partners but also to many older children of narcissists who are struggling with dangerous beliefs and the trauma of their childhood. Many want to know how they can participate in fertility practices that allow them to build a strong foundation, especially since they were raised by an unsympathetic parent. Here are some powerful steps you can take to re-parent yourself if you were the child of an abusive parent. The second one is my personal favorite.
Identify and connect with your inner parts.
When most of us think of giving birth, we think of raising our inner child. But what if I told you that we actually have many “inner parts” that subconsciously affect our behavior? These inner parts are all functional and can be maladaptive or adaptive depending on how we work with them. According to psychiatrist Dr. Richard Schwartz, these internal components are not the only damaged parts that carry the weight of early trauma (aka exiles) but also with protectors and protectors that protect these damaged parts from exposure. They include “fire extinguishers,” parts that force us to “extinguish” our pain with various addictions or distractions and free us from dealing with our most violent emotions. It also includes “bosses” who partially control the activities of daily life and are in charge of controlling our relationships to avoid rejection or discomfort. As you begin your parenting journey, it is best to work with a trauma-informed therapist trained in Internal Family Systems Therapy to better identify the internal components that may be causing stress in your life and work to open the lines of communication between them all. This will feel like asking your inner parts questions like, “What are you trying to protect me from?” and thanking him for doing his job.
Remind your inner little parts of “exile” that you will always be there and you will not abandon them. Note what actions were taken by each internal component and how they affected you. You can work with your parts to see if there are other activities that might serve the same purpose (for example, avoiding all social contact and isolating yourself to protect yourself could be replaced by group activities such as group yoga or cycling that provide an opportunity to socialize without so much stress on the nervous system). You may also consider evidence-based therapies that address your trauma such as Eye-Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy (EMDR) and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) to help sharpen your emotion regulation skills.
Combine with safe play.
Many children of narcissists are raised by parents and given adult roles and responsibilities at a young age which causes them to lose play. Play allows us to connect with a childlike wonder, spontaneity, and carefree innocence and joy that we may have lost as children raised by a cynical parent. Psychiatrist Dr. Stuart Brown, expert in “play” research and founder of the National Institute for Play, notes how play influences our creativity, curiosity, problem solving, empathy, flexibility, imagination, and sense of belonging. He describes play as something “done for the sake of it” that provides pleasure, relief, and allows full participation in the work without any particular attachment to the outcome. In fact, he notes how deprivation of continuous play can lead to reduced social skills and the development of empathy. Although there are other factors that play a role in human development, it is clear that play can be a protective factor that helps develop the brain. In fact, research using animal models suggests that play can help develop the prefrontal cortex and the executive functions that allow us to regulate our emotions, make decisions, and solve problems. While you may not be able to replace the “play” you didn’t have as a child, you can still participate in safe play as an adult.
There are many types of “play” available to us as adults and it is not limited to any type of activity. Some play activities emphasize movement (such as “hard and tumble” play or “physical play” such as jumping), others emphasize objects (such as playing with toys, puzzles, or activities such as sewing) while others are cerebral and creative (eg telling a story, reading, watching a favorite series or thriller) or social (eg playing football or video games with our friends). Dr. Brown identifies eight types of “game people” that we can relate to. This is based on what makes us feel so relaxed, it makes us focus on the task or whatever it is so that we feel like we have lost track of time. What may be considered play to one person may be hard work to another, so it is deeply personal. For you, play might look like writing a short story, doing a puzzle, dancing, meditating in a beautiful landscape or while looking at a beautiful sky view, or completing a coloring book for adults. For others, play may include board games with friends, walking their dog or a Zumba class. Identify the play activities that you feel most nourished by and start incorporating a few of these activities into your schedule. Avoid “play” activities that may make the trauma worse – for example, having a few margaritas during drinking games with friends may seem like a fun “play” activity but if drug use exacerbates your triggers, it can create a barrier to your new parenting journey. Make room for different types of safe and healthy play and talk to your inner child and inner parts about what really makes them happy. Enter your inner child and “appreciate” the good times together. You deserve to get back the joy and innocence of the childhood you never had.
Work with the inner critic and identify the damage caused.
Trauma therapist Pete Walker recommends working to calm the inner critic when healing from complex childhood trauma involving abandonment, neglect, and abuse. This inner critic is the one you may have internalized in your abusive parent’s voice and criticism. If you find yourself struggling with negative self-talk such as criticism from your overbearing parent, you may have an inner naysayer that was instilled in you from childhood. Walker advocates harnessing our anger in order to put ourselves back on the defensive against this inner critic and stop this critical voice in its tracks, a technique he calls “stopping the thought.” You can also begin to gradually replace those thoughts with positive ones. Remember the healthy response you have received throughout your life. Always consider the abundance of evidence against your negative thoughts. You are allowed to be angry because of the negative distortions you have been taught to believe about yourself. I hear from many survivors that healthy, righteous anger has helped them regain their strength, especially if they were raised by abusive parents who told them that their anger or feelings were unacceptable. They feel free of responsibility and free when they can move away from remorse and allow themselves to place the blame where it belongs: on the perpetrator. Allow yourself to identify all the ways your abusive parent (or parents) hurt you in your childhood, youth, and how their influence affects you now as an adult. Create the loss of your childhood. This acknowledgment can be a powerful step in your healing journey.
Avoid self-loathing: make it a daily habit to turn to your nourishment, self-comfort, self-care and self-compassion.
Narcissistic parents push their children into self-destruction and neglect. Their excessive criticism becomes an anchor from which the child grows up believing that they are inadequate and unworthy of care. The key is to identify the areas of your life where you practice self-dismissal and take care of yourself with more attention. Check yourself every day: are you getting enough rest? What do you need right now? How do you feel? What can we do today to help you feel better? An emotionally nurturing parent knows how to set healthy boundaries with their children while still treating them with unconditional positive regard: do the same for yourself. Honor and validate all your feelings – especially uncomfortable ones like anger. Know that each emotion has a right to be there and is a signal that shows the result of your trauma or danger in the present moment. Your anger must not be extinguished: it will tell you when you have been violated. Find positive ways to express it and respect it. Frequently engage in rituals that encourage self-care and relaxation: soothing yourself with soothing music, warm blankets, and hot cups of tea or your favorite beverage. Read your favorite books, take a bubble bath, and cuddle with your pet or watch cute animal videos. Anticipate your needs like a good parent would. If you know you always need more energy in the morning, keep a glass of water by your bed to pour water and a cup of coffee ready and waiting so you don’t rush; if you work late hours, give yourself plenty of breaks with your favorite meals and “naps.” It’s those little habits that remind you that you deserve to be cared for.
Practice talking to yourself lovingly and gently (ie, “I know, it wasn’t right. It was wrong of them to do that. You are so worthy and deserve so much”). This self-affirmation can be a very effective tool if you have experienced constant light and disapproval in childhood. Use mirror exercises to talk to yourself and praise yourself while looking into your eyes – this will train you to practice experiencing yourself in a way that puts the perspective of the “observer” rather than the “internal judge.” If possible, keep the promises you make to yourself while allowing room for error to build confidence. If you’ve told yourself you’re going to work on your fitness but find it hard to get out of bed, start working on smaller goals – like going for a walk in nature instead of doing cardio and lifting weights at the gym. “Build” in big steps. Or if you’ve decided you’re going to make an effort to learn new things, start with a book before signing up for a whole conference. If you’re trying to get out of a toxic relationship, start by taking a few steps back and making a safety plan to leave. Congratulate yourself for looking after yourself.
Celebrate yourself and all your wins – big and small.
Narcissistic parents train you to criticize yourself – you have to swing the pendulum the other way to train your mind to see the good. Make a list of your good qualities, strengths, achievements, and the healthy reputation you have received from compassionate people. Look at that list every day to remind yourself of who you really are. At the end of each day, write down what you were grateful for and what you were happy to accomplish. This will get you thinking, “I’m making great progress,” and look to the bright future ahead rather than focusing on any shortcomings you see. Think of your lost childhood and all the good things that await you as an inheritance that you deserve and receive in adulthood. You deserve to prosper.
