I’m trying to be ready for this change, I really am. I try to make them happy, to believe that they deserve a second chance at love, that a new beginning is a good thing. I try to smile when they talk about marriage plans or dreams for the future, I try to be there, communicate, listen and say all the encouraging things.
But deep down, there is a knot in my chest that I can’t get rid of.
It’s not that I don’t want them to be happy — it’s that a part of me feels left behind in a broken life. A part of me still mourns the family I once had, even if it wasn’t perfect. Or it needed to end. Even if it was the right logical decision. My heart does not work with my mind, God. It holds up. It clings to the past.
And now, with this new marriage, it feels like another door is closing. Another chapter is ending and I’m still halfway through the page. There’s another reminder that the life I once knew, the family I once belonged to, isn’t just broken – it’s been rebuilt into something I’m not fully connected to.
God, I don’t know what to do with all these dirty heart feelings. I don’t know what to do with grief. Out of anger. Guilty of feeling anything but pure joy in them. I don’t want to be bitter. I don’t want to let jealousy or sadness take away from this moment. But I also don’t want to pretend I’m fine when part of me still hurts, when part of me still hurts.
Please hold me here, God. In this confusing gray area where grief and hope try to co-exist. Help me honor these complex feelings without letting them harden my heart. Help me find a place for everything within me—the joy for them, the sadness for me, the longing that accompanies what is lost. Help me understand that all these feelings can be present when I go on this journey.
Teach me how to show honesty and kindness, God. He taught me how to let go of the life I thought we would always have, without losing the pieces that shaped me. It taught me that it’s okay to be sad about something good while still celebrating something new, and hopeful.
God, to be honest, I think this is so hard because part of me worries about where I fit in now. Part of me is worried about being forgotten, worried about being replaced. Part of me worries about being a guest in places that once felt like home.
Please remind me that I am still loved. That my place in their life is not diminished or stamped out by someone new. That even when everything feels strange, you are a stable place I can always come back to.
Thank you for putting up with me while I work through feelings I don’t know how to handle. Thank you for the great understanding, the quiet sadness that comes with change.
I hope you will hold the parts of me that are still mourning, still adjusting, and still learning to let go and love at the same time. I hope you will be by my side throughout this season, God. I hope you will strengthen me in this next chapter.
