If They Are Slowly Lowering Your Self-Esteem, You May Be Dating A Narcissist
Micro-betrayals are seemingly “small” transgressions that act as warning signs of a bigger betrayal to come. They can build up over time to become major red flags. As a professional researcher of narcissism and psychopathy, I have heard from thousands of survivors who have experienced narcissistic partners what makes these abusive relationships so traumatic. Here are some micro-betrayals that narcissistic partners can subject their victims to.
A “small” gaslight with a sound denier. Although there is nothing trivial about gas lighting, the first occurrence may escape your notice. A narcissist or psychopath may pretend they didn’t say something they really did or make insulting comments that “taunt” or accuse you of something you didn’t do. If you mention it, they may hide their true motives by pretending they didn’t mean anything about it. You may feel confused and confused for a while but you are willing to believe them because they give a reason for their behavior. Yet this little betrayal is just one of many to come. By teasing you with these “little” cruel comments disguised as humor or denial, they are discovering how far they will go to pull the wool over your eyes. That way, you’ll be “properly desensitized” to atrocities when they engage in high-impact gaslighting.
Micro-abandonment. A narcissist often throws another kind of test in the early stages of a relationship. They will make a “small dump.” This is when they may disappear during the time they are usually found. They may do this at an important time – such as when you are ill or have expressed a need to hear from them. You are shocked because you have not been brought down by the activist and you are used to their compatibility. Whether it’s dropping you off or failing to be there for you, they’ll come back with an excuse that you’ll be tempted to believe – as long as this is their “first” of many disappearances to come.
Presenting us with the sparks of the false mask we enjoy – revealing these virtues never existed. Narcissists pretend to be ideal partners at the beginning of a relationship, and then slowly reveal how different they were from what they pretended to be. If they act like they would never lie, you find them lying about trivial things. If they pretend to share the same interests and hobbies as you just to show disdain and disinterest, you’ll be disappointed to find out that it was all a ruse to get you. If they promised to always care about what made you most comfortable in the relationship, then they start to ignore your feelings. One by one, these micro-betrayals add up to a big betrayal that this person is not at all who you thought they were.
Not being happy about us when we share good news. Capitalization is a two-way appreciation of good news that strengthens relationship well-being according to research. Narcissists do anything but spend a lot of money when it comes to positive events – they limit and interfere with our happiness. While they may enthusiastically celebrate your accomplishments at first, they soon begin to release cover-ups designed to undermine you and your self-esteem. They can do this through subtle expressions that lower your happiness, express their insecurities, anger caused by jealousy, comparing you to others, causing fear, or finding so-called shortcomings. They continue to argue and distance themselves or fail to appreciate your achievements completely in response. While these types of reactions may start out slow in a toxic relationship, these highly sensitive comments build up over time until it becomes clear that the narcissist is not supporting you no matter what you gain. In fact, research finds that they can display cruel jealousy that leads them to destroy others.
Punishment to make them answer. A rich person hates being arrested and will punish you for calling them even if they are guilty of misconduct. As a result, they may punish you with unnecessary silence, take away the “rewards” you think you deserve (such as their usual displays of love and compassion), or show off the attention they normally give to another person. This first punishment is a micro-betrayal that teaches victims of abuse that they should not talk about matters that are important to them, lest they suffer the consequences.
First they try to arouse jealousy. Research shows that narcissists and psychopaths try to arouse jealousy in their partners in order to gain a sense of power and control. The first time they try to arouse jealousy can be a little betrayal in itself. A narcissist may turn their head to “check out” another love prospect while also looking back at you to make sure you notice them doing so. They may talk to a co-worker they had lunch with or a lover who texts them, putting on an air of innocence or concern as they gauge your reaction. This is to test how much control they can have over your emotions and test the relationship to see how much you are willing to “compete” with them.
Intruding on your privacy when they first meet you while distorting their lives. Narcissists and psychopaths manipulate, generate, and analyze to find out everything about your insecurities and traumas in the first place. However, they misrepresent their lives. That’s because they know they’ll use the information they collect about your health against you, and they don’t want you to have ammunition against them. You may feel intoxicated when you realize you’ve revealed something to them that you wouldn’t normally share, only for them to lie about it or use it for their own gain.
Lying to us about unimportant and important matters. Big lies, white lies, green lies, blue lies – it doesn’t matter what kind of lie the narcissist is telling as long as they’re talking to you. The small betrayal of a white lie is that it makes us wonder what else the narcissist lied about or what important information they may be leaving out. If they are willing to lie about trivial matters, how do they handle the issues at hand?
Withdraw consent and hold recommendations. Survivors of narcissists have been there before. There was a steady rain of love bombings thrown your way and then – silence. Crickets. The day you stop receiving healthy compliments the narcissist has made you expect to receive the first micro-betrayal that begins a long chain of destructive holding patterns throughout the relationship. This causes you to work even harder trying to gain their approval.
Leaving the “crumbs” of betrayal on social media and treating you in a way that doesn’t respect you and your relationship. Social media doesn’t exist just social networks. It’s a very public forum that can increase your happiness or increase attempts at public humiliation. Narcissists and psychopaths are armed with evil intentions. They enjoy publishing sexually suggestive posts, stories, memes, or subtweets directed at you and your relationship or following malicious social media accounts in an attempt to make you jealous. These covert jabs get more and more aggressive over time until you get tired of dealing with them and they turn on you in turn.
Little by little we retreat from the promises of the future while dangling the carrot of false hope. At the beginning of your relationship with a narcissist, you may have been subject to love bombings and delusions about the future. They reject ideas of marriage, children, vacations, and lasting love. However, gradually they started backtracking on these promises and started creating problems instead. Rather than coming to terms with the fact that their fast forwarding was part of their deception, they justified their behavior by saying that the very obstacles that would have prevented them before were insurmountable now. For example, they may have said that there is no distance between you and them but now they are complaining about driving your way. Or they may have told you that you can fix anything but now they are emphasizing the main difference. The problem is that they had all the same information they had before when they were painting the future with you – they just knew they weren’t going to make it happen. This is a very insidious betrayal as it sets up a false hope, dangling a carrot just to meet whatever agenda they have. If you have been in a relationship with a narcissist or psychopath, it is important to seek professional support. You deserve to be healed.
