This morning I woke up not feeling well. Sure, my throat hurt and my nose was stuffy, but beyond that, there was this pain in my chest. I felt inadequate. I felt reluctant. I felt, for lack of a better explanation, just turned off.
I don’t know if that ever happens to you—you’re fine one minute, and the next you’re thinking about all the ways you don’t measure up, or comparing yourself to pictures and people around you, or suddenly telling yourself you’re not good enough—but I was there, feeling all kinds of disconnects from myself, my spirit, my God.
I wanted to just close my eyes and start over. I wanted to take a long walk to clear my head. I wanted to do something, anything to stop thinking about all the things I wasn’t doing well. I wanted to hide it from everyone around me, from God, even from myself—I pretended it wasn’t happening, so I wouldn’t feel sad.
But then I remembered the truth about my loving Father: Him you see me. You see my awkwardness, my pain, my insecurity, my doubts. And He loves me in spite of those things. As he did to you.
Sometimes I think we are too caught up in the things of this world. We want to be the best, be the best, look the best, feel the best. We expect nothing less than perfection—from ourselves, from the people we love, from the things we do. And we spend so much time chasing this good that we forget to slow down and remember how ‘enough’ we are and who we really are.
We chase, we run, we fight against everything that tries to make sense of our purpose and meaning and goals. And sometimes we get so wrapped up in the gatherings, that we forget that it’s okay not to be the best or to consider everything. It’s just fine beto slow down, to take one day at a time.
And that’s where I am right now—comparing, overthinking, feeling like I have to do and be more than what I am and who I am, or that I have to do it alone. But that is not true.
Our worth is not based on what we have achieved or conquered, or where we stand compared to the person around us. Our importance is to our Heavenly Father.
It doesn’t matter that I haven’t figured out where I’m going, or what I want to do. It’s okay if my goal is still the confusing question I ask myself at night. It’s okay if I’m still searching, or waking up on the wrong side of the bed sometimes, wondering what it all means.
We don’t have to be perfect—we are human. But I think, sometimes, we forget that. I think, sometimes, we try to carry everything, take everything, be all instead of remembering that Jesus has already carried our burdens. And there is nothing we can do or say to undo His unending love for us.
It’s funny, because I spent most of this morning feeling like crap. I was doubting my purpose, doubting God’s power, feeling ‘not there’ instead of focusing on all that I have. Stop being tired. But the truth of the matter is that God already knew, he had seen those worries in my heart. He already knew I would ignore myself in circles, compare and nit-pick instead of praying and letting him speak the truth to me.
And that’s the funny thing about faith, isn’t it? We think it gets easier. But the truth is, no matter how hard we try to be a ‘good’ Christian, it’s still hard as hell to trust, to let go, let him go.
But God sees your foolishness. You see the days you wake up with doubts, the nights you drown your mind in self-loathing. You see your mistakes and times of failure. However, none of those things have ever changed how He feels about you.
You are His child. And no doubt or chaos will change that.
He wants you to reach out to Him. To find comfort in His word. Trust, even when the world goes round in circles. Letting go of something you can’t control knowing that you will eventually fight for it. And you don’t have to fight alone.
