If Your Friend Does These 10 Toxic Things, They May Be A Narcissist

1. They are not happy with what you have accomplished.

When you mention your success, your friend’s face automatically turns sour. He might look like he ate an entire lemon as he tries to congratulate himself. Or you get a completely blank expression and don’t respond at all, just stare. He may try to “make it up” by mentioning his accomplishments quickly before you even finish your sentence, or try to copy what you’re doing in an effort to get the same attention you’re doing. This is the type of friend who isn’t happy about anything you do, and secretly hopes you fail so she doesn’t feel bad about her life. This is toxic because true friends celebrate each other’s success, and even if there is jealousy involved, they will put it aside to congratulate their friends. Rather than feeling hopeless about what their friends have achieved, true friends will be secure in what they have achieved, and thus feel happy, motivated and motivated to improve when they hear about the achievements of others.

2. They put you down by hiding.

If you are happy and excited for any reason, toxic friends find ways to rain on your show by launching mini storms and storms of disapproval, disdain, and destruction. These are often disguised as “helpful” or “honest” comments that have absolutely no value other than making you feel a little proud of yourself. They say things like, “Oh, anyone could do that,” when you mention something you’ve accomplished or, “That’s not really a big deal,” when you talk about your academic focus. They also seem sadistically happy when you fail or when you are going through a tough time. This is a sign that something is wrong with them. Real friends don’t try to criticize or put people down just because they want to make someone look smaller. Only lowly people do that to elevate themselves. If you can’t be your big, true self among your friends without being constantly put down, then they are not your true friends. They are dangerous bullies and narcissists. Understand and know the difference.

3. They are emotionally draining.

Have you ever experienced this? You are on the phone with a friend. You ask your friend how they are, and you find yourself being “talked to” rather than “talked to” for hours – and this seems to happen all the time. As you finally get your turn to speak, suddenly your friend needs to get off the phone because now they are tired of all the “talking”.

Of course, we all have to come out sometimes and talk about ourselves. Certain situations warrant this type of behavior – such as a breakup, loss, or other traumatic event. However, if this happens often and you don’t get the chance to have a similar conversation with someone, you are acting as their audience in a monologue and not as a friend. You also deserve to be heard and you deserve to talk about any problems in your life. Don’t let these toxic friends believe otherwise. Stand up and tell them that this is a problem. If they continue to do this despite you setting that boundary, it’s time to ditch the friendship altogether.

These toxic friends drain you of your energy and ability to engage in self-care because they are emotional vampires whose sole focus is on themselves, their lives, their wants and needs. You do not exist, or if you exist, you exist only in relation to them. For example, if a friend hears your abusive story and uses it to bring the conversation back into their life constantly, this is a red flag of narcissism, so be careful. Real friends can listen to your story and make sure they give you useful feedback before you turn the conversation back to them. Distance yourself from any people who do not feel that there is equal discussion, equality, validation, compassion, and respect.

4. They are there for your good times, not your bad.

I mentioned in #1 that you should stay away from people who don’t celebrate your accomplishments. One warning though: beware of toxic friends who are there to hold you back from your success. These friends only show up when you’re doing really well, and they rarely show up when you need them in the thick of things. They use your presence to associate themselves with you, just for the sake of seeming more important to share in your success. Or they only enjoy your presence when you are in a good mood and they need you. Otherwise, when you have a health scare, or someone in your family has an accident, he is nowhere to be found. True friends help each other through hard times and work together even when times are tough.

5. They are not emotionally responsive, reassuring, or helpful.

What’s the point of having friends if they can’t even respond to your feelings? If you find yourself dealing with a friend with whom you can have great conversations, but only hear the sound of crickets when you tell them you had a bad day or just broke up, this friendship is impossible. Feel free to keep those types of people on your LinkedIn, but not because of your real life issues. Mostly, they are professional or academic communication because all they can do is talk about things related to the mind but not the heart. Sure, some situations lead to loss of words, but friends should be able to provide basic emotional support, even if it’s just a hug and the words, “I’m here for you.” If your friend is very emotionally abusive, constantly tells you to “get over it” or is angry at you for expressing your feelings, leave him forever and do not give him access to your life in any way. They don’t deserve to be your friend. True friends validate the other’s feelings while empowering personal growth.

6. They don’t stand up for you.

When an outsider or a single friend says harsh or insulting words about you or does something hateful or horrible to you in front of these toxic friends, you rarely see these toxic friends jump to your aid. They don’t speak for you even if they are the only ones who know. They don’t support you when you need it most. True friends help each other; they don’t have to “choose sides” to point out evil and consider your feelings. Also, when did we become so resistant to “picking sides”? Why shouldn’t friends speak up for victims or call out inappropriate behavior when they see it? These toxic friends may be silent or engage in behavior that undermines your position. That’s when you know it’s time to stop making excuses and stop protecting people who won’t protect you.

7. Their ego is bigger than their relationship with you and they try to cast a shadow in your light.

These types of friends are extremely cruel, jealous and will do whatever it takes to maintain their delusion of beauty. For example, they may refuse to compliment you when you’re well dressed, but compliment someone around you in sweats and a t-shirt. They may post pictures of themselves on social media with other friends, but avoid posting pictures of you and them together because they think you are somehow superior to them. Or they may hide or downplay the accomplishments of others while bragging about their own. These are superficial friends who can’t stand being with someone who is smarter or prettier than them. True friends appreciate each other’s beauty, intelligence and interest. They are not trying to hide your light in the darkness just because of their place in the shadows.

8. They communicate only through the screen.

In this case, I’m only referring to “offline” friends you’ve met face-to-face. I know there are many online friendships that are built through supportive forums and I don’t mean to diminish their value. However, with face-to-face friendships and friends who live far away, there is no reason for both people in the friendship to make an effort to see each other in real life from time to time. You know, step away from messenger and Facebook once in a while to make face-to-face connections if possible. Be especially wary of any friends who don’t have time to see you, but seem to have all the time in the world to cuddle with their new boyfriend 24/7.

These are not your real friends. These friends aren’t always talking to you through a screen, and electronic communication is often a cop-out for emotionally unavailable people. If these friends are putting you down emotionally, they have no place in your real life or on your messenger list. You can also interact with the wall, although the wall will be very sensitive and won’t hurt your feelings. Think of it this way: you’re wasting energy on these toxic people by constantly interacting with them online because they won’t treat you well with their offline presence. They have shown you that they don’t have time to meet and greet by stepping outside, so why should you hurt your eyes or squeeze your fingers? Real friends make an effort to meet in person; emotional vampires, like real vampires, cannot stand daylight and prefer the brightness of the computer screen.

9. They are busy with everything and anything.

Related to #8, if your friend is always too busy to see you or make any kind of contact, especially during a crisis, rundon’t leave the friendship. Yes, people have jobs, lives, and relationships to deal with. No one can always be there for you when you need them. That’s all well and good, but if a friend rarely even keeps track of how you’re doing when you really need them and plays this “too busy” game consistently, that friend needs to have the door slammed in their face the next time they come up for attention.

And, thanks to technological advances, social media has made it easy to check whether these friends are really “busy” or really rich. If you see your friend saying that they are too busy to call you in times of trouble but they post statuses or like things written by people on social media all the time, you have another guarantee that this friend is not real. Thanks, Facebook and Twitter for fixing it!

10. Betrayal, violation of boundaries and disrespect.

I saved this for last but it is very important. If your friend does not respect you by: disrespecting you, dismissing you many times, chasing or flirting with someone important, insulting you, cursing you, bullying you, forcing you, making you cry when you are having a hard time, of course being unsympathetic, pressuring you to do something, gossiping about you, or treating you with anything less than respect or self-centeredness. There will be many people in the world who will not make you feel that way, so why not save your energy and invest in something the will do you have a good profit?

Life is too short to waste our energy on toxic people, whether they are friends or romantic partners. Learn to recognize these signs and you’ll pave the way to a better life, a better support system, and meaningful and wholesome relationships. Once you have experienced a true friendship with love, care, compassion and respect, I assure you that you will never want to return to a friendship without these qualities.

This article was originally published in Thought Catalog in July 2014.