As a professional researcher of narcissism and psychopathy, I have heard thousands of horror stories from survivors who had toxic relationships with narcissists and psychopaths. Many survivors were told that they were “great people” who used drugs and those who helped them to answer for their bullying tactics. It’s clear that the real reason narcissists and psychopaths want you to be a great person has nothing to do with wanting the best for you or because they have a genuine concern for your behavior and well-being. It is because they want to engage in moral superiority while committing sins that are worse than the ones they warn against – while see to escape accountability or the consequences of their actions.
The concept of being a “big man” is often a control strategy as it is never given to perpetrators, only victims. You are probably a mature, thoughtful, empathetic, and compassionate person who thinks about how your actions affect others. Being the “big guy” when bullies and enablers are used is code: turn the other cheek, don’t speak up, and take the abuse passively. It only benefits the bully, not the victim – and puts the onus on the victim to stay “above” the hurtful actions of others without having to deal with the harm.
Protects the instigator from accountability. The problem with always feeling responsible for being the big and “mature” person in every situation and going through the motions is that you never blame the wrongdoer and end up punishing yourself for the guilt that you don’t deserve. In your healing journey, it’s important to feel all of your emotions – including healthy righteous anger at those who wronged you – and let it encourage you to know that you don’t deserve more suffering, self-punishment, or responsibility for the hurtful actions of others.
The problem with always feeling responsible for being the big and “mature” person in every situation and going through the motions is that you never blame the wrongdoer and end up punishing yourself for the guilt that you don’t deserve.
People who take responsibility for being “and” they are beautiful and mature to the point where they no longer have healthy anger towards abusers and bullies and can sometimes internalize that as self-criticism and self-hatred. Research shows that PTSD symptoms can worsen when we avoid such true feelings. Suppressing how we really feel can hurt rather than help our healing journey. If we question the concept of “real” maturity with any serious thought, we will see that the people who engage in violence are the most immature. Those who react to their immaturity are simply displaying a normal human reaction to disgusting behavior. Even “unacceptable” and demonic emotions like anger, resentment, and even revenge have a place if they are respected and channeled in constructive ways. They all serve a useful purpose and deserve validation. They can encourage you through the toughest times in your life instead of making you look too introspective and take it upon yourself to be the bigger person to the attackers all the time. Being too emotional lowers your defenses. Being vulnerable without the real perpetrator being blamed leaves you very vulnerable. Anger reminds you that you don’t deserve to suffer after being hurt and allows you to stop punishing yourself for what you are not responsible for. It reminds you that you have been violated and allows you to seek justice and appropriate consequences.
Being too emotional lowers your defenses. Being vulnerable without the real perpetrator being blamed leaves you very vulnerable.
The mentality of the big man is similar to many other suspicions and assumptions that narcissists tend to talk to the police and control their victims like “it’s over” and “let it go,” when you haven’t had time to process the damage they’ve done. Notice how narcissists and psychopaths call you “selfish” (the word that best describes them) when you stop focusing theirs needs and desires? Funny, no? It’s because they don’t want you to be tied to strong boundaries that would allow you to break free from them. However, it doesn’t matter if you are a big person or not when it comes to your response to their behavior. If you react to their behavior (which is completely human and valid), you are called a bully yourself. If you don’t respond and “step up,” you are still punished with more abuse because the perpetrator sees you as vulnerable.
You learn the hard way that with psychopathic people, it doesn’t matter how “nice” or “kind” you are to them. They repay your kindness and mercy with increased cruelty. That’s why it might be time to stop turning the other cheek so often to follow healthy boundaries. Mercy rarely works with these toxic types and it just gives them more opportunities to exploit us. Overextending ourselves in the hope that they will change gives us false hope. There are times when the “fawn” response to trauma can be used to our advantage in situations of real physical danger or threat, or when you have to pretend to be kind to the abuser as you prepare to leave. But often, giving unlimited compassion and mercy to people who want to deceive us and repeat evildoers opens us up to more deception. Survivors of childhood abuse trained from a young age to please predators as a means of survival need to be able to explore the other end of the spectrum before they find balance.
You learn the hard way that with psychopathic people, it doesn’t matter how “nice” or “kind” you are to them. They repay your kindness and mercy with increased cruelty.
Truth About Forgiveness
Rather than letting emotions pass and forgiving prematurely, it can help when survivors allow themselves to feel even “uncomfortable” feelings. They learn that it is okay and they release their anger in the right way for people who have broken the law and work for a living to heal in their own way. This healthy anger also helps them move away from the belief that everything is their fault and that there is something wrong with them or that they are the ones who should suffer. The first is likely to help the survivors move forward in an honest way and this can lead to self-destruction. In terms of forgiveness, self-forgiveness and self-pity are very important, even though in reality, you have nothing to forgive yourself for. Remember that forgiveness does not mean reconciliation and that forgiving the offender is your choice – and for those who have survived an abusive relationship, this may be the first time in a long time that they are exercising independence. You can to hear like you have to forgive yourself for being in a toxic relationship with a bully – but showing empathy for what you didn’t know about the person and how you were deceived is also important. Validating emotions, feeling for yourself, honoring your anger – and not overdoing it – are the first steps to true healing. You were always a great person when you were wronged. There is no need to continually “reassure” yourself by giving cheaters endless opportunities or forcing yourself to suppress your instincts.
