1. ARIES
(March 21 – April 19)
You’re an alpha competitor who likes to cut through the competition like you have two giant horns on your head designed to crush, crush, and dominate. At its core, he sees life as a struggle. The fact that you’re alive and reading this means that you were the only sperm out of 100 million in that life-or-death attempt to reach the egg first, and you’ve never changed. In all cases where there is something to be gained or lost, you set your eye on the golden egg, competition must be abandoned. For you, everything but the first place can be the last place.
2. LEO
(July 23 – August 22)
As the king of the jungle, the Lion realizes that nature rewards rivals and treats allies like suckers. He prefers individual sports such as boxing and tennis to team sports, because each team has a weak link, while individual competitors have to blame themselves if they lose. You are not above engaging in unsportsmanlike conduct as long as you come out on top. Some might call you cruel—and you don’t mind that, because who needs the “truth,” anyway? (Besides, what the hell is “truth,” and why is it considered bad not to have it?) You’re so competitive, you probably hate the fact that I put you in second place.
3. CAPRICORN
(December 22 – January 19)
Enthusiastic, driven, and determined, you are a self-motivated go-getter who enjoys the thrill of competition. He enjoys the joy of victory, and despises the pain of defeat. At least he’s morally competitive, though. He follows in the mold of Wilt Chamberlain—considered by some to be the greatest basketball player of all time—who spent 14 years in the NBA and never had a bad game. He was playing to win, but he was careful not to cheat in this game. For you, winning by artificial means is worse than losing honestly.
4. TAURUS
(April 20 – May 20)
You have an insatiable desire to be the top dog—or, in your case, the top bull. If you’re “in it,” you’re in it to win it. When placed in any competitive environment, you approach it as a blood sport and a science. You leave all pleasures and focus on victory. You judge your opponent’s strengths and weaknesses well and will plan your strategy accordingly. You do not wish harm on your enemies, but if he must be defeated, let him be.
5. SCORPIO
(October 23 – November 21)
He hates losing—just not who he really is what you like loss, but really really REALLY hate to lose. You have won and lost in life, and you can only conclude one thing—winning is better. You see nothing wrong with cooperation, and you are often found helping others even when there is no benefit to you because it is the right thing to do. But if you are put in a situation where there will be winners and losers, you will do everything in your power to win. Once you set your eyes on the prize, there’s no stopping you.
6. THE GIRL
(August 23 – September 22)
For you, life is not a game with winners and losers—life is meant to be enjoyed and enjoyed to the fullest. Although you are not competitive by nature, you are the will compete with anyone who insults you, wants to hurt you, or makes it clear that they intend to step on your neck to elevate themselves above you. And even though you don’t particularly cooperate, you the will unite with others in the service of any cause which you deem honorable and important. You take things one at a time, which is probably a smarter approach than going all out or being nice about it.
7. GEMINI
(May 21 – June 20)
As twins, your dual nature means that you are both extremely competitive again with extreme cooperation. You excel at tasks that require self-discipline and personal diligence. You also excel at tasks that require collaboration. Whether it’s a solo or group project, you give it your last drop of blood, sweat, and tears. You’re as competitive as an Aries and as cooperative as an Aquarius, so you could easily have made it to the top or bottom of this list, so it’s probably unfair that you’re stuck here in the middle.
8. SAGITTARIUS
(November 22 – December 21)
Since you set your own standards and play by your own rules, you have absolutely no interest in competing with others. Instead, you are competing with yourself. You have the rare ability to know your strengths and weaknesses, to honestly assess what you are capable of and what is beyond the scope of your skills and abilities. If you feel you are selling yourself short or failing to reach your potential in any area, you will abuse yourself like a drill sergeant in boot camp. You are not there to beat the other person—or, indeed, to lift them up—but only want the best for yourself.
9. LIBRA
(September 23 – October 22)
Your ratings lean toward collaboration and away from competition. You don’t mind playing a friendly game of touch football or competing for the top prize on the floor at Open Mic Night, but you just don’t have that bloody goal to go above and beyond the other defining star signs that fill the top ranks on this list. It’s better to help others in the community with things like raising houses, blood drives, and charity trips. Achieving your personal best is less important to you than making life better for everyone around you.
10. THE STARS
(February 19 – March 20)
You’re well-liked by everyone in every group setting you’ve ever found yourself in—whether at work or play—because everyone knows you can be counted on for a warm smile, free advice, a helping hand, and to mend fences and reach peaceful decisions even among the most competitive star signs. To call you a team player is almost an understatement, because your skills would be better suited to the role of a coach. It’s not that you wouldn’t compete if your life depended on it, but it’s simple enough that you realize that few situations are truly life or death.
11. CANCER
(June 21 – July 22)
Unlike Capricorn, living basketball legend Wilt Chamberlain—who set all kinds of scoring records and outscored all opposing teams but ended up winning two championships—is a dedicated team player like Bill Russell, who was never a top scorer but his dedication earned his team a record 11 points and 11 assists. He is caring and loving and always willing to help. When all is said and done, you are a soft-shelled Crab.
12. AQUARIUS
(January 19 – February 18)
He is all about reconciliation and symbiosis. As a member of a choir, you would much rather harmonize than sing alone. You’d rather share the highlights—or avoid them altogether—than hold onto the spotlight while leaving anyone in the dark. You see us all living on one big planet and everyone as members of one human race. Therefore, for you, any kind of competition goes against the good and natural principle that we all go together in harmony and help each other. In your mind, there is no good in moving forward if you are traveling alone.
