This article is not meant to be taken seriously and is just for FUN. And FYI, I’m actually a good person but I put myself down too much just to make fun of my brand. Enjoy!
TAURUS
(April 20 – May 20)
He feels that you can tell a lot about a person’s character by how well they treat the service staff. That miserable waiter job you had one summer as a teenager gave you a lifelong respect for what these poor workers are forced to endure. They put food on other people’s tables just so they can put food on their own. You empathize with the fact that they experience insults, taunts, prima donnas, and disgusting levels of unsolicited flirting. Sometimes you give a tip equal to the total cost of the meal—often even more. You’re such a good tipper that when the servers at your favorite restaurant see you walk in, they’re not above being beat up for your table.
ARIES
(March 21 – April 19)
In many ways, you are a server’s nightmare. He’s the type of person who will return an appetizer three times until the chef gets the temperature and spices just right. Sometimes you will argue about a number of things. You keep asking for replacements even if the menu clearly says NO SUBSCRIPTIONS. But knowing that you are a pain, you tip based on how much of a pain you were at mealtime. And since you are such an amazing pain in the server, you are also a helpful person.
GEMINI
(May 21 – June 20)
You have worked hard all your life, so you sympathize with the workers. You’ve started toiling in thankless service jobs, so you know how annoying many customers can be. That’s why you always tip at least 20%. Mostly, though, base your tip on how friendly and accommodating the server is. If they went that extra mile to make sure your meal was fun and stress-free, you’ll honor their efforts with more money. But even if your server was as rude and rude as many of your customers were back when you were doing service jobs, you should never tip less than 20%. Giving anything less can feel like a sin.
VIRGO
(August 23 – September 22)
He tips well, although sometimes he forgets to tip completely. The fact that you forget to give introductions on rare occasions has nothing to do with being a cold and callous slave driver and everything to do with the fact that you are cynically busy and a little scatterbrained by nature. He is actually a very nice and compassionate person. Proof of this is the fact that on the rare occasion that you were so busy with other things that you forgot to tip, you will return to the restaurant to track down the server and shove a wad of cash into their hands.
CANCER
(June 21 – July 22)
You never tip based on server performance or courtesy. Instead, you give advice based only on your own feelings. Unfortunately with the servers, you can be the loudest Crab. If they find you happy, you’ll leave a big enough tip to qualify as a philanthropist. But if they aren’t lucky enough to be offered your table when you have a rotten day, they will again rotten breath after finding out they didn’t make a dime after patiently taking care of your constipation/hangover.
SAGITTARIUS
(November 22 – December 21)
He tips based on the server’s performance, especially his attitude. Were they friendly? Are you wondering? Is it cold? Condescension? Did they get your order right? Did they often stop by to refill your drinks? Do they act like they didn’t see you when you waved them over to ask a question? Do they flatter you? Do they laugh at your jokes? The amount of your tip never has anything to do with the quality of the food. Rather, it’s entirely related to how good (or bad) the server made you feel about yourself. He hates being ignored, and if he feels the server is ignoring him, he will retaliate by not even leaving a tip.
LIBRA
(September 23 – October 22)
As for tippers, the scales of justice put you in the middle of the pack. Always use the tip calculator to tip exactly 15%. Your tips are never based on the attitude and performance of the server. It doesn’t matter if you get world-class service or the worst service in a prison music hall—it’s always 15% robotic. If restaurants added an automatic 15% tip to food, it would make your dining life that much easier.
CAPRICORN
(December 22 – January 19)
Although you may not like to admit it to yourself, your tip is based almost entirely on the server’s preference. This is in line with research that says female waitresses with larger breasts receive larger tips. It’s a shallow way to reward an employee’s efforts, but since dining is a sensual experience, you tip based on how pleasing your server is to your eyes. It’s a very superficial way of dealing with things, but you justify it by saying that it’s not your fault that someone doesn’t look good. Someone needs to tell you that restaurants are not the same thing as strip clubs.
LEO
(July 23 – August 22)
You always give 10% because it’s easier to do the math on 10% than 15% or 20%—all you have to do is move the decimal point, right? This is all part of your normal pattern of taking the path of least resistance in life. Now, trust me when I say that it is not my job or my intention to call you a lazy, entitled slob. But you should be aware that servers can take the easy way out, especially if you’re a repeat customer who tipped 10%. If they associate you with bad tips, they may hesitate before bringing you a menu or a glass of water. They may take their sweet time before taking your order. They may avoid you if you ask them to ask for more dinner rolls. Soon, you will have to realize that most people treat you the way you treat them.
PISCES
(February 19 – March 20)
He likes the European model of servers, who are well compensated with flat wages and never expect a tip. He likes the Euro model even if he’s in America, where servers don’t get paid at all and live almost entirely on tips. By putting the onus on the employers to pay the servers, you are comforting your conscience by being an angry person. It is very convenient for you to like the European model, but it is also why the American servers waiting for you will cross their eyes when they are served your table.
AQUARIUS
(January 19 – February 18)
Based on the fact that you at least in theory leave a living wage to the workers, you feign righteous indignation when others don’t tip you—but let’s be honest about the fact that you often don’t tip, either. Many times, you don’t even get a check. Sometimes, you pretend to be embarrassed by saying you “forgot” your wallet, which is a sneaky way of forcing your friends to cover the tab. You are a slithering snake when it comes to pimping, which is why the holy forces of karma may one day put you in a position where you have no other jobs to choose from than working as a server.
SCORPIO
(October 23 – November 21)
He feels that access to food is a natural human right and should be free. You don’t even see why people need servers for their food. If it were up to you, you wouldn’t even pay foodlet alone advise anyone. If it were up to you, the entire restaurant would be buffet style, and all the servers wouldn’t be working. You can find a thousand different excuses why food should be free. Since you don’t pay for air, you say you shouldn’t pay for food. I think that’s easier than just admitting that you can be very cheap.
