It is a well-known saying that in life the race does not come to the fast, or to the strong, but to those who drink the most coffee. If you’re feeling a little lazy, aimless, or bored, coffee is a surefire way to put a pep in your step and a slick in your step.
Americans drink 400 million cups of coffee every day. Coffee is second only to water as the most consumed liquid by Americans—and far behind. According to one study, while 66% of Americans drink water every day, coffee drinkers drink their heels 63% more.
Here are five birthdays that can’t live without drinking Jitter Juice. The top three are fire sign natives, so fire up that coffee machine and readin’!
April
Although those born in April are symbolized by the Ram, it may be the Starbucks logo. As the first sign on the birth month calendar, April won’t stop until they finish first in everything, and coffee gives them that competitive edge over their rivals. A fire sign ruled by Mars, the planet of raw animal violence, April makes for the best corporate raiders—or the best Viking raiders. They remember back in ancient times when Aztec warriors prepared for battle by eating small rolled balls made from crushed coffee beans and cayenne pepper. While the average human body is made up of 60% water, April’s body is made up of 60% coffee.
August
As a fixed fire sign ruled by the sun and symbolized by Leo, August is an almost alpha-style personality. Just as the sun is the center of the solar system and has all the planets rightfully orbiting it, those born in August want to be the center of attention and have everyone do their bidding. They are born to lead, to conquer, to rule, to rule, and to give orders authoritatively and give orders to all the betas and zetas and omegas who fear and tremble before them. But if you think that everything is automatic for them, you would be wrong, dear friend. Their secret is coffee. They don’t drink it from a cup, cups are for losers. They played it around the bag.
December
The third fire sign on our list of java junkies, December is ruled by Jupiter, the largest planet and rules the ninth house of new horizons. Those born in December therefore tend towards adventure, discovery, and breaking old boundaries to explore new frontiers. But one needs strength—almost superhuman levels—to go where no man has gone before and boldly go where no man has gone before. That’s where coffee comes in. When they need to raise their energy levels a little, December boils water, grinds beans, and pours herself a hot cup of ambition.
January
Just as soul singer James Brown was known as “The Hardest Man in Show Business,” those born in January are the “Hardest Goat of the Year.” Fiercely disciplined and focused on projects and deadlines, it’s like a one-man raiding party. They set impossible goals for themselves, but they always achieve them. They just don’t have the time to be patient—to them, patients are for doctors. So to extend their time and propel themselves to their endless finish lines, they drink coffee like a sports car refueling itself with high octane fuel. If they have a full tank, stay out of their way, or you might get run over.
June
Gemini is ruled by Mercury, the planet that rules communication. It is an indisputable scientific fact, proven forever beyond a reasonable doubt, that there has never been a successful writer who did not subsist on coffee to meet every deadline. They drink hot coffee in the winter when they wake up to clear the fog from their brains and go to work. In the summer, it’s an iced coffee filled with ice cubes AND made of coffee. When they want a snack, they like to dip a coffee cake in their coffee. If scientists could somehow make high-protein lab-grown meat made from coffee, that’s all June-borns could eat. They drink so much coffee, they should probably get their kidneys replaced with coffee filters.
