ARIES
Aries are not pretending when they try to show restraint. They can’t tell nothing when they’re pissed off, so the best they can do is avoid jumping on the table at the other’s throat, panther style, letting harsh words pass their lips. The fighter among them cannot sit by and let anyone step on them like a real street. They are designed to bite, bark when there are problems. They know that half of the people out there who think they can stand up to Aries don’t know what they’re signing up for. Aries can make themselves appear larger than life, how they make noise, keep eye contact without showing the slightest sign of fear. Think of an outsider meeting a bear—Aries are armed with the same tactics and knowledge to attack anyone without drawing blood.
VIRGO
Virgo is a metaphorical Pez, but instead of shooting small pieces of candy out of their mouths, they are verbal ninja stars. You better watch out because those quips have speed and accuracy unlike any other sign in the zodiac. Their cup of teasing flows, like a fondue fountain that no one wanted to pay for but now has to eat from because it has been paid for. Virgos find it intellectually insulting to express their grievances in plain English; whoever is guilty should learn manners or how to comfort themselves in a way that is less irritating to their senses. Virgos can literally ask for what they want in every other area of their lives—work, finances, love—but they can’t just ask someone outright to stop chewing on the surface. Instead they will write a manifesto on the topic and post it on the gram, hoping it will be shared enough to reach the target audience.
GEMINI
Geminis always bite off more than they can chew, and it causes problems when they get to the point where they can’t please everyone. And instead of just setting a level with the stakeholders, they started to incite resentment. Anger that they were asked to do so much in the first place, anger that they felt they had to give in, anger that they had to deal with the attitude of other people who didn’t want to compete for their time and attention. They let the whole bottle go until they blow themselves up, but there’s a very, very long fuse before that fire explodes. And along the way, they let themselves vent their frustrations in the most brutal ways imaginable. They will fight about everything and anything except the real issue that concerns them. God save whoever they find in the way—there will be a lot of hooting and hollering.
CAPRICORN
Capricorn is a sign that will join a homeowners association and have bylaws passed before they decide to knock on their neighbors’ doors and ask them to turn down their music. Their revenge and revenge are complex and delayed, but for Capricorn, there is nothing sweet. They will wait for days and weeks to ensure that the wrongdoers are punished, but the chances of this person realizing that their punishment is coming through Capricorn are very small. Capricorn is undoubtedly the source of those famous Amazon reviews of sugar-free bears – the person who left his bowl on his desk to work with those who are not expected to take it and face the inexplicable consequences of digestion. Such are the ways of the passive Capricorn—in fact, so passive that no one could accuse them of violence.
