CAPRICORN
(December 22 – January 19)
You are a workaholic by nature and always do double what is expected of you. You are very grateful for every job opportunity and you swear you will never hear an employer regret hiring you. You feel guilty when things are given to you for free. You are like this because nothing was given to you—you had to work for it, so hard work became second nature. You realize that life is short and that even one wasted day can send you down the wrong path. You are so honest that I almost asked you to write this article for me. But because I’m a hard worker myself and I couldn’t in good conscience ask you to do my job, out of concern for your mental well-being I’ll just suggest that all work and no play can make you dull at times. Try to take a break every once in a while.
VIRGO
(August 23 – September 22)
You are blessed with the rare ability to see the long-term picture rather than what is right in front of your eyes. Because of this, you work hard now so you don’t have to work hard later. Most of your work doesn’t involve physical labor or clock punching as much as it does building a solid foundation on which to build. You’re burning the midnight oil and working weekends now so that twenty years from now, you’ll be burning your fortune and never working again. Because you are a smart strategist, your financial dreams will almost certainly all come true. But as with Capricorn, sometimes you work too hard. One day you’ll own a yacht, but in the meantime, it wouldn’t kill you to take a weekend vacation at a cottage by the lake where you can practice your spy skills by cruising around in a rowboat.
ARIES
(March 21 – April 19)
Like the tortoise in Aesop’s fable, he won the race by going slow and steady. While you’re not above sweating it out to get what you want, you know the difference between smart work and dumb work. You don’t waste your time toiling over things that won’t pay off. It should always be about you. You see the whole project is about to be completed. You see, there’s nothing good about ruining your back by being a lumberjack or getting cancer by cleaning sewers. You know that you can make more money buying one stock with experience than you could toiling in the 70s with a cheap job. So while you may not be the hardest worker on this list, you are definitely the smartest worker.
SCORPIO
(October 23 – November 21)
He comes from the working class and knows that if you don’t work hard, homelessness and hunger are a constant. He learned to be a hard worker out of economic necessity rather than any abstract notions of morality or responsibility. You are not bothered by the idea that there is something good or honorable about work for work’s sake. Your biggest problem is that sometimes, because of an exaggerated sense of humility, you sell yourself short. You should focus on your negotiation skills. Once you can negotiate better, you won’t need to work as hard as you do.
GEMINI
(May 21 – June 20)
Sometimes you are a worker, sometimes you are a shirker. The world would expect nothing (or less) from the Twins. You go through long periods where you have loads of fun and don’t care at all. But eventually that sends your life into chaos and poverty, so you are forced to pull yourself together and start working overtime, making you avoid all forms of leisure. But that, too, wears off after a while, so you go back to being lazy. It’s an endless loop. Your problem is that you cannot reconcile these conflicting behaviors. You cannot mix hard work with hard play.
CANCER
(June 21 – July 22)
You live for the weekend and dread the week. When the alarm clock goes off on Monday morning, it sounds like a criminal calling you to the stake. You’d rather receive an inheritance—or find a sack full of dollars that fell out of Brinks’ truck—than lift a finger or bat a slavish eyebrow for a pittance. But I got your problem—it’s not that you don’t like work, it’s that you’ve chosen a way of doing work that ends up doing jobs you absolutely hate. With a little command and a little intimidation, you can be persuaded to turn around and change career paths. You need to learn how to make money doing what you love to do—and at that point, it won’t seem like work.
LIBRA
(September 23 – October 22)
Your scales are tipped between laziness and diligence. You manage to balance hard work and hardcore slacking until you land in some short middle ground where employers aren’t sure if they’re going to give you a raise or a pink slip. You do enough to not get fired but not enough to get promoted. You like to hide in the middle—which isn’t too good or too bad—and at least for now, it’s working for you.
PISCES
(February 19 – March 20)
Excuses, excuses. You are about to fill your gills with it. He is the type who likes to call in sick. Or you will ask for leave because your beloved cousin recently died, forgetting that two months ago you got two weeks’ leave without pay because your beloved cousin died. You put off work until the last minute and make excuses when your work is down. You deliver all your work late and find creative reasons for your long tardiness. You break promises and give up quickly. You can only be forced to work harder with threats—by shooting or hitting well.
TAURUS
(April 20 – May 20)
You are a lazy bull, Taurus. A hard worker? Like working hard. When you’re on a team project, you can do nothing and claim most of the credit for the work others do. If you’re on a project alone, your first priority is to come up with an excuse as to why you can’t finish it on time. Basically you view all work as slavery and you show all your efforts to avoid work as part of the righteous process of emancipation. You may be able to fool yourself with this self-excusing alibi, but it doesn’t take long for everyone around you to realize that you’re a jerk.
SAGITTARIUS
(November 22 – December 21)
He’s an Olympic-level bouncer. There is only one thing you work hard at, and that is to come up with new and clever excuses to avoid working hard. You would rather do nothing than something. He would rather do nothing than anything. I mean thinking in terms of performance it makes you roll over in bed and hit the snooze button. While you may agree with me that your lack of motivation and focus is the source of most of your personal and financial problems, none of these problems seem to hurt you more than faithfully doing your day job. The irony is that because you take the easy way out, as long as you avoid a complete financial meltdown, you may outlast us all.
AQUARIUS
(January 19 – February 18)
You feel the world owes you a free lunch. But the minute you finish eating your free lunch—and throwing away another unwanted lunch—you casually ask when your dinner will be ready. Let’s just say you’ve been a little pampered, OK? He is living proof of the principle that if you don’t ask anything from people, they always deliver. Friends, lovers, and employers all quickly notice that you take more than you give. You’re fun to spend time with, but your sense of entitlement makes for a terrible co-worker.
LEO
(July 23 – August 22)
Leo, you are not a lean, aggressive lion. At the risk of hurting your feelings, I would say that you are like a lazy house cat. Unlike Capricorn, who feels guilty when he gets things for free, he tries to make others feel guilty when they are guilty don’t do it giving you things for free. You are the weakest link in any chain, which is why most groups would rather disband than be a member. You can’t wait until the only work you have to do is sign your Universal Basic Income check. You’re so lazy, I’m a little surprised you made the effort to scroll to the end of this article.
