1. AQUARIUS
(January 19 – February 18)
You need your time. A lot of time for you. If you don’t get enough time for yourself, even a loving and attractive partner will start to resent you. As the saying goes, no one is an island, but if you put on a life preserver and just float in the middle of the ocean, it can be hard to tell the difference between you and the island. You’re not clingy and you’re not needy—you’re very independent, which puts you under “low maintenance” instead of “no care.” Sometimes, lovers will misinterpret your complacency as a sign that you don’t care because you never asked for anything. You live inside your shell, which is probably why they had to change your star sign to Turtle.
(December 22 – January 19)
He leans firmly on the independent, independent end of the spectrum. You are plug-and-play, easy to install, very low maintenance. You don’t need to be fixed; at least you’re okay if someone changes your oil every 3,000 miles. You expect a lot from yourself and expect nothing from others. You hate asking for anything from anyone, even if you really need it. You realize you came into this world alone and you’re going to leave it alone—unless you decide to get out by dragging others down with you in a deadly hail of gunfire because someone hurt you. But since you’re not a high-maintenance psychologist, this won’t happen.
3. PISCES
(February 19 – March 20)
If you don’t feel like someone is giving you enough attention, you’ll blame yourself more than them, which is what makes you lower your maintenance. A relationship should be about meeting mutual needs, but since you meet most of your own needs and never nag, abuse, or mistreat your partner, this is often misinterpreted as cold, indifferent, or apathetic. You love to feel validated, but you won’t be out if someone doesn’t respond quickly to your text or Snapchat. Like your fish name, you are happy swimming with a school of other fish or completely alone. Water feels good either way to you.
4. THE GIRL
(August 23 – September 22)
You like perfection in yourself, which is an admirable trait. Your biggest flaw, however, is that you are also a perfectionist. I know it sounds contradictory to say that perfectionism can be a mistake, but you fail to realize how imperfect others are. Not everyone can live up to your high standards. Go slow on your passions. You don’t want them to resent your perfectionism; you want them to imitate you. If it makes you feel better, pretend you’re so perfect—divine, even—that it would be wrong to expect such radiant beauty from mere mortals.
5. LIBRA
(September 23 – October 22)
True to your name, you keep your balance between emotional neediness and self-satisfaction. You can get along well alone or with your eternal partner. In the name of revenge and consideration, you don’t like to be overly selfish or attached to your partner, either. He is willing to meet everyone halfway. If someone doesn’t respond quickly to your messages, your clear thinking will take you elsewhere instead of subtly searching for their response or bothering with the clear thinking that they don’t care about you and never have. You tell your lover what you need, but you don’t want it so much that they inevitably run for the hills.
6. GEMINI
(May 21 – June 20)
One twin is needy and the other is independent, and somehow they find a way to reach the middle ground. For you, “maintenance” isn’t high or low—it’s about to keep a happy balance. He sets high standards for himself but also for others. You want to know that your partner cares and needs you, but you also don’t want to give yourself a huge hemorrhoidal pain in the ass about it. Being aware of whether or not you’re upsetting your partner is a trait that is completely lacking in the elite, so pat yourself on the back for consideration.
7. LEO
(July 23 – August 22)
He is very generous with others, and expects the same from you. She likes big romantic touches like diamond rings, trips to Europe, and even skydiving marriage proposals. You won’t just send someone a Valentine’s Day card—you’ll rent a JumboTron in Times Square to declare your undying love for them. You won’t just give them a box of chocolates—you’ll fly them to a Swiss chocolate factory. But your lovers should be aware that you expect all PDAs and gifts and funny expressions of love in return, or your relationship won’t last long. If someone is not willing to go the extra mile for you, you can just leave them where you left off.
8. TAURUS
(April 20 – May 20)
Bulls are not known for their cunning. You vacillate between extreme attachment and the highest level of self-satisfaction, it can be distant from those who care about you, because to them it feels like you have built an invisible wall around you. You lean on your partner in good times and retreat into your shell when things go wrong. You expect the kind of special treatment that you are rarely willing to do to your partners. And it’s this latter aspect that causes the biggest problem—if you expect to be treated like a princess, treat your partner like a prince rather than a pauper.
9. CANCER
(June 21 – July 22)
I hope it doesn’t hurt your feelings or pierce your shell too much to let you know that you are one sticky and bossy crab. Once you have someone in your clutches, you will not let them go. He will even set traps for them to test their loyalty. You want to know that you’re the only thing that matters to them—and if you’re not, you’ll cut the cord just to avoid getting hurt. You have wasted many good things by being this way. Yes, sometimes people are dishonest. Yes, sometimes your suspicions are well founded. But you need to learn the difference between holding someone close to you and locking them in a cell.
10. SCORPIO
(October 23 – November 21)
Your constant jealousy is what makes you high maintenance. If you suspect a romantic partner of infidelity, no amount of dynamite can get that stubborn idea out of your head. Even if you could implant a GPS chip in your partner’s body so that you can track where you are at any time, still accuse them of cheating. Even if they’re willing to give you detailed phone records of every call and text they’ve made in the past year to refute your constant accusations of dishonesty, you’ll find a solution by accusing them of maintaining a separate “secret” phone line. It gets tiring quickly and will push even the person who loves you with all their heart.
11. SAGITTARIUS
(November 22 – December 21)
You need to be listened to more than you want to be listened to, which is why you tend to dismiss every conversation. Even if your partner left the house, drove two hours to pick up Chinese, drove back, set the table with food, and finished his meal, you were so busy screaming the whole time that you didn’t even notice they were gone. Then, when you realize all the effort they put in just to surprise you with delicious, delicious food, you’ll start yelling at them for not knowing in advance. But they he did to let you know—the problem is, you were too busy screaming to be heard. He is a high resolution body.
12. ARIES
(March 21 – April 19)
You are irrationally dependent on the attention and approval of others. If someone goes courage waiting for five minutes to answer your text, you immediately start planning huge waves of revenge on them. You will criticize others for the smallest thing you see. It is this impulsive tendency that has destroyed your best relationship. Don’t act like you don’t even know what I’m talking about. The problem is, even a starving mechanic will balk at the task of trying to fix everything that’s wrong with you. Before you jump headfirst into another doomed relationship, take yourself off the market and fix what’s wrong with you.
